Monday, September 18, 2017

Alhamdulliahirrabilalamiiin, Finally You're Here.

So, which of the favors of your Lord will you deny?
Maka, nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kau dustakan?
Alhamdulilllah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

I honestly can't express how much I'm grateful to the part I am stepping in right now. To (un)officially getting my Bachelor Degree is indeed a way one's has never been imagined oh so dearly. I prayed and worked hard to reach this stage of life - to finally pass my Studio then final seminar phase.. Alhamdulillah..

(Honestly I'm not really fond of writing this up right now because I'm not sure whether its because I'm losing the hype already or I'm still tired or just because I've already wasted the hype when I was submitting my panel before or else, but still, I kind of feel that I have to share my gratitude towards those who are close and responsible enough to my succeed this time. So then, just let me be. Ok.)

At first I thought that my Studio period would be hard enough - but it turned out to be not that kind of hard I've thought before. When I was on it, it was honestly that hard until the thought of giving up literally crossed my mind. Back when I was working on my concept book, I was struggling with analysis, mind maps and wordplay, but when I entered Studio period it means that I have to start designing based on my concept I have done before, it just somehow frustrating. I didn't know why, but it just is.
You would've known how much I'm complaining & ranting about this stuffs if you followed me on twitter throughout my studio's pressuring times, hiks heheh (I'm so sorry twitter fellas!)

I think its because the pressure we put on ourselves. Moreover if its me. I expected my design to be a green grand design the one that deserving a post on, lol. But then I realize that my ability on using software still so-so. So then, you know. I am self-conscious enough that designing itself is a process. You can't have one fixed grand design before you pass several revision and also alternate design. And to that is already pressuring to me.

First week of my studio I couldn't really work on my design since I got my laptop repaired because the battery wont charged and have to be plugged in all the time, which means when the electricity's out my laptop would suddenly shutdown and my work would be lost. And because I thought I still got time before 'seriously' working on my design, I spare sometime for my laptop to be repaired, and Alhamdulillah after that it can start working properly again even though at first it still wont charge and freaked my self out, hiks.

Lacking inspiration, lacking motivation, lacking energy, lacking sleep, too much stress and pressuring times are indeed the most battling event I have ever overcome. And to that, comfort is indeed the most dangerous threat along with ease. The most struggling battle is indeed that battle inside yourself. I'm sorry if this gonna sound like I am again ranting about my studio phase even though I did, hiks. Tapi bener deh, kalo disuruh ngulang lagi gue juga rasanya ntaran dulu aja hiks wkw :'')

Tapi ya gitu, despite being stoned bc of the stress (bc you will get no idea what u have to do to overcome the stress) I tried hard to look on another perspective. Nothing is really a dead end unless you start seeing what's on the other side, there's got to be something else, right? I determined myself enough to get myself to stay positive, stay productive, stay inspired and stay focused.

And also to remind my self that the most important part is "progressing", doesn't matter that it was a slow progress bc at least you are progressing (bc I used to think that I need to gain my mood to be inspired bc once I'm inspired I would finish my assignment fast, but this time it's different). They say, "enjoy the processes, respect the process." And to that I keep rooting it in my mind. And to remind myself that this all shall pass, so that I don't need to stress it over exaggeratedly. Insyaa Allah..

Its hard enough battling the stress within you, till I found my lecturer didn't complain much of my design as much as I did. Even that sometime I felt like my lecturers didn't really come with a brainstorming ideas, but then I thought it was okay. But it was indeed upsetting, until one day I came to my lecturer to show them my 2684315th design progress, and she said that it was already okay, "yang penting sudah terlihat usahanya." hmm. Although it sounded like a small saying, but it did mean a lot to me. It gives me enough fuel to progress more, alhamdulillah.

I keep asking my family to pray for my wellness and for Allah Swt to give me inspiration because lacking inspiration is indeed that torturing, hiks. It felt like the insecurity is consuming you. This is literally me working on my final project with major anxiety hiks wkwk.

Terus yaudah deh, getting closer to the due date because we had to submit the Detailed Engineering Drawing, Transformation Design, Panel and Rendering of our design in order to get our final seminar schedule. And then joining the Final Project Exhibition. It was indeed a proudly yet touchy moment for me. Yang biasanya ngeliat orang lain pameran tugas akhir namun kali ini bisa ikut pameran dan memamerkan karya kita sendiri, alhamdulillah. (Nah makanya gue merasa bahwa ke-hype-an tugas akhir gue lumayan gue habiskan disini krn indeed disini gue bangga banget, haha.)

Submitting my drawings on Monday, Sep 4th 2017, alhamdulillah I could finally at least breathe some air and rest a bit before continue working on my concept book revision, working on design report, doing video rendering and design presentation. (wah masih banyak juga ya - ya yang penting bisa tidur dulu bentar hahah)

Kemudian tibalah hari H setelah sehari sebelumnya temen-temen gue udah pada sidang duluan. Yup, I got my final seminar on Friday, 15 September, the second day of final seminar day. Setelah sebelumnya lumayan panik krn tiba-tiba ibu dosen minta video animasi rendering yang di mana sebelumnya gue gak berniat bikin krn takut gak sempet, tapi akhirnya disempet-sempetin dan alhamdulillah jadi juga lol (gue bangun jam 4 shubuh, yang di mana sidang gue sendiri dijadwalkan jam 8 PAGI PEMIRSA, dan gue masih harus rendering kemudian edit buat gabungin video dan ngasih suara yang kemudian pas gue export videonya, ternyata gue exportnya ke format yang ga pake suara, doh wkkw :'')) 

Kurang hectic apa coba hiks, udah mana gue juga latihan presentasinya nyolong-nyolong waktu hiks, untungnya presentasi kemarin nggak se-grogi dan se-nervous waktu seminar hasil sih, krn disini gue ngerasa gue udah jenuh dan capek banget, jadi kayak: yaudah presentasi biasa ajalah, toh juga kemungkinan terburuknya paling ditanya-tanyain. And indeed thinking that way makes me more relaxed in doing my presentation, just letting it out because somewhat what you wanted to say and present is already on your mind, alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah that I got my lecturers who are very kind and supportive (even though they are indeed pressuring sometimes, lol). Alhamdulillah that I done my presentation successfully without no significant doubt, hardship and question, and to that - alhamdulillah to be able to answer the questions smoothly, meskipun ada beberapa pertanyaan yang butuh pencerahan dan pemahaman karena kemampuan berpikir saya yang sudah lelah hiks wkwk. Thanks to Bu Yuni my luvly Dospem 1, yang sudah membantu melihat dari perspektif lain mengenai pertanyaan dosen-dosen penguji sehingga saya mampu menjawab dengan lancar karena sesungguhnya semua pertanyaan itu jawabannya sudah ada di design saya, alhamdulillah wkwk :'')

Jadi, kurang lebih begitu cerita gue mengenai perjalanan studio gue kemarin. Disatu sisi gue merasa kenapa gue terbuka banget nyeritain segala keluh kesah gue ke dunia maya gini, tapi di satu sisi juga bodo amat sih. Semoga tetap bisa bermanfaat bagi yang baca. Yang jelek-jeleknya nggak usah diambil, yang bagus-bagusnya aja yang diambil ya gais seperti beberapa quote yang cukup menginspirasi gue untuk tetap terus maju and "fuck it off" hiks wkwk :')

There's no long story short for me to tell you how suffering it is to pass senior year and working on your final project, but what I can tell you is that; It will be worth it in the end. :)
Its again on how you push yourself to the limit, because sometimes, in order to grow you need to be placed in a circumstance you need to adapt and grow, that's how push yourself to be better each day. That you will realize that you are getting better each day, Alhamdulillah.

Gue percaya banget sih emang, tiada hasil yang akan mengkhianati usaha. Ya meskipun gue juga ngerasa gue ngerjain tugas akhir kemarin itu udah sebisa gue banget, tapi sebagai manusia kita juga ga boleh cepat puas. Ada aja yang gue rasa kurang, tapi yaudah. Finish, not perfect, It's okay.

Dan di satu sisi gue juga terharu, banget, tiap orang yang bener-bener tau perjuangan gue bilang, kalau mereka bangga sama gue, and that I'm actually deserving my degree krn mereka tau gue bener-bener struggle dan ngerjain semuanya sendiri (ya kecuali maket yah). Gue juga kadang iri kok sama temen-temen gue ngeliat mereka ada yang ngebantuin, tapi disatu sisi gue sendiri tipe orang yang gak enakan kl minta tolong orang lain selama gue tau gue masih sanggup ngerjain (ya meskipun pake nangis-nangis dikitlah, haha)

Lagian kalo dipikir-pikir gue juga gak pernah  sendiri sih hehe. Alhamdulillah masih dikelilingi dengan orang-orang baik dan pintar yang mau juga melihat gue pintar dan berkembang. Terima kasih banyak yaa Nisak udah ditutorial video render, terima kasih banyak Abi udah installin Vray 3.4 dan dengan sabar tutorial render foto meskipun gue lemot dan batu hehe. Gak lupa juga terima kasih kepada Jeki karena telah menginstall Lumion pada laptop gue long long ago jadi gue gak perlu repot repot install lagi di laptop gue hehe.

Alhamdulillah, terima kasih banyak laptopku Asus X550Z for bearing it up with me, terima kasih sudah kuat diajak ngerender dan begadang malam-malam, mamak tidak tahu harus bagaimana berterima kasih padamu nak hiks. Alhamdulillah for my billet family for giving me such laptop that's very useful. It's indeed never a wrong thing to do - to invest on such a high-spec gadget. (Padahal laptop gue ga high-spec amat sih tapi alhamdulillah banget masih mumpuni untuk ngerjain tugas akhir hehe) Alhamduulillah..

Thank you Studio Tugas Akhir for shaping me for who I am today, for making me again learning about new stuffs from those people I admire and again pushing myself to the limit each time. Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah life mission sudah tercentang satu.
Alhamdulillah motto hidup insya Allah ter-terapkan terus, yaitu: to learn something new everyday.
Jadi inget dulu gue suka dikatain orang banget kl gue bilang gue mau learn sth new everyday, but I'm really grateful to that bc that what's burning my spirit till I can reach this day, alhamdulillah.

It is indeed other people underestimation that keep you going, to prove them wrong and to show them that you don't need their approval to be what you are. Just keep on going and reaching out for that dream you've been chasing, insyaa Allahh may Allah always light and guide our way through whatever we've been dreaming.. Amiiin.. :D

Sincerely, your so dearly (I'd love to call m'self) Architect.
Xx, Lailatul Amna S.T

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