Sunday, May 1, 2016

Mayday Sunday

Do you ever, waking up with no certain feeling right in the beginning of your day, and it haunted you for the rest of your day, even when days are already changing? And it’s been happening to me these past several days.

I’m not so sure myself, but in the moment when I’m feeling like losing my motivation all over again, I honestly don’t even know what to feel anymore. I’m happy, but just it. I’m sad, and I keep thinking about it. What it possibly is, the things that enough to make me feel sad. What is that?

I’d say, that I’ve been okay with this week, this last week of April. This week has been fun, we got to attend several events that were not really including school’s assignments, even if it did but we didn’t feel pressured at all. End of April, I’d say, I’m fine, just fine.

Last a) Monday was usual, another studio class with no relief to achieve. In b) Tuesday, we had our batch celebrating Kartini Day by wearing our Kebaya and Batik to campus and took pictures together, it was touching since we had to wait until evening for us to take the pictures together because classes are finished at evening, while some of the kids had already left bc they skipped the class. c) Wednesday, I was joining structure class but when I arrived the lecturer had already finished the class, lol, I know. Then we waited until 10.30 and departed to Rumah Turi Boutique hotel to have our Green Architecture Outing Class there. That was nice to have class outdoor and see things we learn directly, while also free lunch from our department haha. 

And in the d) Thursday I didn’t have class so I just chilled at my room, but I came to campus at evening because my friends were having a briefing for Saturday’s event.  And after that went to UNS Cultural Night, the event I’ve been missed for the last 2 years of my college time because the tickets are always sold out, and glad that I could come this year. Alhamdulillah. The event itself started at 7.45 pm until 11 pm-ish. For me personally, I really like and enjoy this kind of cultural event very much, because somehow it let you know and learn new different culture and also see from different eyes. People from different background never fail to amaze me just by how their different culture works on one way or another. It always boosts my mood up just by remembering how good that night was..

Moving to the next day, it was e) Friday and always, I forgot it was Friday. I woke up late because I was staying up late, busy updating my social media feed with the fun we all been having the night before. But I had to go to the campus either way, returning the camera I was borrowing from my friend. Going back from campus, I had my self a lunch and ate it in my room. Had a chill then in the evening my friends asked me to accompany them having their meal and after that buy the equipment for tomorrow’s (Saturday’s) event. While in the night I got really reliving news that all I could say is beyond Alhamdulillah. I was pessimistic that I could really join the event at Saturday, but Alhamdulillah eventually I can. J I went to bed a little bit late, didn’t really care that I got to wake up extra early for tomorrow. 

But gladly I did wake up early, yay! f) Saturday morning, we gathered at UNS Nurul Huda Mosque at 5 am and departed at 5.45 am, till then finally reached the beach at 11 am. It was CAISP or Coastal Art Installation Space Project we all been joining. It was indeed a fun and exhausting day at the beach, but it was tremendously fun. I enjoyed meeting new friends, building installation with beach sands, swimming with the wave and mostly enjoying the beach breeze and its atmosphere, the wave and wind sound, it was all relaxing and making me don’t even want to go back. The we  went back and reached Solo at 11.30 pm and I went straight to my kos. Showered and checked out a little bit of social media, then I went to bed. And I woke up, promised myself that I won’t again waking up late because I’m just sick of having my time wasted only for sleeping. 

It’s g) Sunday and I wake up at 8.30 am, it was all okay until I decided to go back to sleep and wake up for the next couple hours. I regret it but can’t deny it either. And here I am, grumbling on other things I should’ve been doing, (means my Studio Project I’ve been avoiding :’c) done some of the laundries today so I won’t have my self the least productive of me. And it’s 9 pm already, thinking about the things I really wanna do besides doing school assignments because the lecturer just sucks (sorry to say).

Long and tiring week already, and suddenly it’s already Sunday again, and tomorrow is Monday again. And another week just pass by, either the good life we all been living, it always feels like wasted whenever we don’t live it to the fullest. And by meaning living it to the fullest, means that we got to enjoy every single thing we do, loving what we do and either do what we love. I know it always sounds that easy, but its clichĂ©. It’s easier to love what we do (because I’m trying every time), but to do what we love? I’m kinda putting a big question mark on it.

The question is, what is the thing you love doing?
It looks like the same but it has different meaning particularly.

I’ve been going around asking myself, how come 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week just never feel enough? And maybe it’s just because we didn’t really do what we ought to do. Life has never come to the term of aiming, life is a journey. “Life is not a problem to be solved, but rather a reality to experience”; it’s my personal mantra that lately didn’t work so much on gaining motivation. “Making a living is a journey rather than a goal, let alone having passion involved.” Clara once said. and maybe that will work as a little advice for this confuse mind.

I’m just feeling, maybe I should just be doing the things I love and prefer doing, instead of wandering around seeking something to love doing (…..and end up procrastinate). Maybe the way I live is just like this, by thinking, and having my thoughts as the output, so then I could finally figure it out. But sometimes, sadly things like this are just not coming out with an answer I’ve been wondering. The thoughts itself, sometimes end up making me think of any other things, sometimes, the thoughts are just indeed like cables that connect to one another.

Three pages of my thoughts already, and here I am still trying to figure out what should I do with myself, instead of just thinking about it. The things I love to do is including thinking, but rather than having too much thought in one time, I feel like I had to have a really nice and remarkable output instead. The one I could proud of, and else.

How to live your life the way you want it to be?
; is another question I keep thinking deep inside my mind.

I am self-conscious enough that I’m that kind of person that actually easy to influence. But rather than that, I also had my own personal principal no one could ever guess. Sometimes, I’m sick of having another person judge me for being too easily influenced, but far from that, at least I know what I want. And what I want, what I really want is different from what you want, and it differs.

I want to wander, and by wandering I mean see different things every day, the things we are not usually see in our daily lives. I never complaint if I had to walk several miles, because I had to, and accidentally I enjoy to. And by walking, we got to see things in detail, the thing we missed to see when we were on the rush of basic life. And that’s how I enjoy little things.

I’m not yet figuring out what I want to do with my life. Maybe now is the best time to start thinking about it. I don’t want my life to be wasted again, but I don’t also want to be reckless and irresponsible of it, because somehow we got to pay the bills eventually. We may soon pass our youth, but youth is something you feel inside. You don’t worry losing it. And adulthood is not as scary as it seems, I guess?

Some says, we would better showing others our progress rather than telling them our goals. But for me, I’m not feeling like telling my goals either. As I say, life is not to aim. I’d say; I want my life to be like this and that.

I want to wander, see things I never seen before and see from different perspective. I want to learn something I never got to learn before, new culture, new skill and etc. and idk somehow, it sounds like travelling (or maybe other things I didn’t yet figure out?..). Maybe I’m liking the idea because somehow it gives you spaces and somehow a chance not to stick to routine. I think I’m that person, who doesn’t want to stick to routine but I want a settled life either because somehow it sounds promising. That’s why I don’t really like the term of travelling because it sounds like only having fun and so temporary. I want to wander; it gives you same pleasure of seeing sth new and enjoying little things in life, but it also made you think of life, to realize some part you miss in daily life.
It’s always been a dream and only a PLAN until I really turn it into reality by start doing it.

Pressure is good; pressure is what shapes you today, because somehow pressure includes scars that will heal only with time and hard work. I’m starting to think, that maybe, writing my feelings and thoughts down, is just me, having myself escaping from reality. But somehow, what if the things we called reality is not reality? How come reality doesn’t give us a pleasant way to live life, or maybe this is just indeed how life supposed to be? Or maybe I’m just avoiding pressure and life because I’m not all set to grow up, I’m not ready to be responsible, or maybe, all I wanted to do is just live and enjoy life, but how so?

pls just tell me how my lord
The big question mark will still remain until I figure out how, and by the time that I will continue to stick on the same pressure all over again and regret on how I’m not living my life to the fullest, until I’m grown and old. And that what truly scares me.

Here’s the idealist side of me talking.
But then, what’s the point of scaring the future anw?

confussion of twenties year,
honestly written by sober minds of Elaxtrcx

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