Wednesday, November 28, 2012

?

i feel lost. consciously lost.
some things are changing, either I.
i don't know what I'm going to talk about, but here I am. sitting in front of the pc and trying to figure out my life so far.

i keep saying i used to this, to all the matters i have gone through, but that just made me realize i lose many little things. i keep saying i can pass all this life matter, that's true that i could pass it all, but it feels like its all worthless. i know every matter have its positive and negative effects, but i don't know, i haven't seen the positive change of those.

gimana ya, rasanya jadi kayak terbiasa dengan semuanya, either dengan hal-hal yang kurang berkenan atau pun hal-hal kecil yang membahagiakan. udah biasa being ignored, being unwanted, and being the one who didn't have that chance to talk. udah biasa dibuat senang dengan berbagai hal sepele yang membahagiakan, tapi udah biasa juga saat itu juga kebahagiaan itu diobrak abrik. udah biasa..

saking yang namanya udah biasa, jadi lupa gimana rasanya bersyukur.. udah biasa sama sakitnya tapi udah biasa juga untuk mengeluh tentang hal-hal kecil spt itu. udah biasa.. saking udah biasanya, jadi lupa gimana rasanya bahagia itu..

bahagia itu datang ketika kita bersyukur.
i know, i realize, i understand, but still it becomes one little thing that's hard to do for me now. i admit that im a sucker, for not at least trying to be grateful. but dont you know, im trying..
i'm trying but still i don't get it.


i keep wanting all the things i want, and i lose every piece of happiness that use to bright my life, so much. I've lost so many necessary things in my life, camera, laptop, someone to talk to, friendship, happiness, laughter, love, caring, time, and even, my passion. I've lost it all and i hope i could have them back some day. I wish..

i keep saying I wish, I want, if only and so many conditional sentences, without having any intention to make it real, and that's troubling my mind. i just don't know how to. i want my life back but yet i still get no idea how to. and once again i said, I wish.

i thought life could be any better that this, one day. but sadly that one day feels like isn't going to come. I've been waiting and its just nonsense.

i thought no matter how un-keen i am with my life, life surely keeps going on, world keeps moving on, and how ever, i lets just let it all happens and this behavior makes me supine of my life. I've been very careless of my life lately..
i start being lazy and being so effortless in everything.. and i wish I COULD HAVE MY SPIRIT BACKK. and find my personal motivation.. i need to find the reason why i should stay alive..

there are so many random thoughts i want to write down, saking banyaknya sampe lupa. unek-unek, alasan, filosofi sampe hal-hal random sepele yamg kadang terlintas di benak. gue tau gue orangnya emang suka mikir, suka brainstroming, tapi sekarang udah nggak lagi. since ga ada orang yang at least dengan tulus mau ngedengerin segala random thoughts gue. i wish i could have one..

semenjak gak pernah tukar pikiran, otak gue rasanya kayak dikekang, gak bisa berkembang, jenuh. dan tanpa sadar membuat gue menjadi pribadi yang introvert, menurut gue. gatau sih kalo menurut orang lain.. menurut gue, gue udah ga se-suka ngomong kyk waktu dulu, sampe semuanya, apa aja diomongin. tapi itu menurut gue sih. banyak banget yang rasanya perlu diceritain tapi sayangnya hati masih belum sreg buat cerita sama orang yang blm 100% kita percaya. bukannya ga percaya juga sih, tapi not all the matter can be discussed with friends. one find it hard to tell the truth to the people we barely know..

kangen gak? kangen.
kangen with all the things i used to do, i used to have and the life i used to live.
but i cant make them as a reason for me not to move foward to future life. and i realize that wishing thingy is not healthy for us. past life seemed very precious and happy and easy. and i wish i could go back or at least have the thing i used to own again, but remembered again, I-need-to-stop-wishing-sth-like-that-over-again!! T_T

oh God, i promise this is my last wish..
I wish i could have a better life, be a better me.
no matter whats happened, i believe you have something good behind every case and insyaallah with Your leads, may lead me to the way back be with you again, so then i wouldnt get lost, again. thank you. Amin.

Ela.

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