Saturday, May 6, 2017

Moving Out. (i)

Tell me, when was the last time you felt terrified? I mean, do you even consider of leaving your comfort zone behind? I don't know, but for me, I find how the thoughts of me moving out from this "messy yet comfortable" room still terrified me. I still find it unacceptable. I know that it might sound way too unnecessary, that you had to move out from your dorm room after all those college years you spent for almost 4 years already. I mean, look at those years? Didn't it scare you enough?

Well, I know that soon when I hit my senior year I would move out from this dorm room because once you're graduated, you're done with all those college-related stuff, right. It just startled me enough to know that the time is coming nearer every time, and that the time already hit me even if I still got days before the due date - of me moving out. Its just that this has never scare me enough that I find myself can't stop thinking about it. How'd I find my new "temporary" dorm room? How'd I adapt to my new room? How'd I overcome all this anxiety of me leaving my very comfort room that I already built (for comfort) for years? How'd I even survive the rest of my senior year living there? How'd I? The idea of leaving comfort zone, and again adapting are just somehow beyond scary.The idea of adapting the new way of living alone is indeed, terrifying.

It has never sounded like a big deal, but why could not I just stop think about it for a bit and just do, right? Okay, I know this will sound dumb, but honestly I still got no idea of how would I be moving out (including how would I pack all these stuffs I've collected for these past several years already)? I have never really moved out all by myself with so much stuffs to carry before. The thought of carrying these mess(es) around is just messy enough to imagine.

Just please, wish me a great luck! Tomorrow I'll meet the dorm-informant to help me seek out for my new dorm room. I will not be moving far, its just that I have never really imagine it clearly - the thoughts of me moving (and again - with so much things to carry, pft). Just then, I hope soon enough I'll found the dorm room that will be quite enough of my preference, and may all the step of moving will be smooth enough to pass on. And more importantly that I hope my new dorm room would support me to finish my final project, Amin amin ya rabbal alamiiin.. :'')

Written by my old and anxious little self, El.
May, 06 2017.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Ketep Pass - Sight Seeing at 1.200 Mdpl

I realize that I'm not really an avid nature-seeker, unless somebody invite me to a journey to that. I'd love to travel as long as it doesn't sound too tiring at the first time I heard it.  Right, more like a spoiled traveler indeed. But that's me. I would love to travel so much, as long as it seeing new things more suitably. So this is me, reporting for you, live and in stereo.

Last Sunday, I didn't really have a plan on how I would waste such another day except just to lay down and drown myself over unnecessary stuffs I might do. It was a pleasure knowing my friend invited me to an impulsive travel we did that day. She asked me whether I wanna join her to go to Ketep Pass, and because I had never heard it anywhere before, I googled it as soon as I recognized. (You might wanna google it if you're curious enough because I'm not gonna tell you the whole things about Ketep Pass itself, lol).

Ketep Pass itself is a point where you can actually sight-see the scenery between Mount Merapi and Mount Merbabu from 1200 Mdpl. Ya lumayanlah yaa kalo mau cari refreshing yang dingin-dingin mah. I was actually excited to get here because I have never been to any (what do you say "Gardu Pandang" in english?) - yeah, that was I meant. The scenery itself was indeed mesmerizing, though we couldn't really see it clearly because it was raining a bit before we got there and the fog was down. But still, the chill ambiance still got me excited.

Too bad the road we took to get here was kind of being fixed. There were so many damaged roads, some of them were being repaired so there was kind of "buka - tutup", like the one you pass when you go to Puncak Bogor, hmm. And some of the damaged roads were being left defective.  Wavy roads along the way, but I think its enough of a try tho. I hope next time we visit this place, the roads are already fixed so it would me much of a comfort later on. We decided to take the other way when we go home, so the roads were better than the last one we had.

There were also Volcanic Museum and Theater there, and an outdoor Amphitheater and rented binoculars too (I mean the one you put coins in it, if I'm not mistaken). The surroundings were too pretty to describe, but instead of taking the pictures of the scenery, we took pictures of ourselves and the scenery as the background. But because the fog was down, so here it is. (Still though, I wish I had a decent camera to shoot the scenery I told you about so I wouldn't be having myself mumbling of it over and over again, lol). Done taking bizarre amount of picture, we decided to eat at the food area. The food stalls are also pretty because it treated us with such scenery while we enjoyed our meals there.

Ketep Pass, from 1200 Mdpl
Apr, 30 2017.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

I... Am What?

I still like the way your eyes catches mine. I still like it.
I like it when we had a long talk and conversation,
but why wouldn't you do this when I was madly in love with you?

Now, long after all the sparks gone that you have to do this.
Coming back to my life after all this time.
Being so nice and alluring, and even more easy to talk to.
You've never done this before, or maybe that was just because I was blinded.

I know its easier to talk to you as a friend instead of lover.
But there's something in you I still can't resist.
Now that you're acting all up
I just wanna ask, why are you so warm after all the cold.

You are the poem I can't resist not to write.
There are something in you I could not bear to resist.
One of it is writing it up
How I felt about you its just way beyond poetic.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Much of a Thought

Some of us may say, 
that whenever we feel like being taken for granted is a way for ourselves not to feel. 
Some times, what we feel is just what our mind make up to say so. 
It's artificial.

Too many question tidily queuing up inside my head, some of them I bear just enough, but some of them not. But then I think, why should we think and wonder about it anyway at the first place. Why do we even wonder.
It's just some times these thoughts haunt me, it's not like I'm hearing some voices inside my head. I am not. It's just as always, I just got so many how and why inside this skull echoing.

It's just, do you ever feel lonely even when you're with people? I know it's a basic question, but do you? Some times it tears me apart, how I felt like I always feel so lonely in wherever and with whoever I am with. And as skeptical it'd sound - that nobody ever understands me.

The feeling of being misunderstood, taken for granted or even not wanted always have this kind of strong dark desire to be felt, to haunt ones mind. As skeptical as its sound, but one can hardly suffer from it. Some say, just don't think about it. Don't ever over think about it. It's always easier to say. But not to feel is a whole kind of a different story.

The feeling of being unwanted; by a man, parents, friends - does it even a big deal? You may ask. But sometimes you miss them, even the one who hurts you the most, you know they loved you once in a long time ago. You don't miss them much as by seeing their faces or their presence. You miss what you once had with them - the time you spent, the loves, the laughter, all the good imprints - once that left behind.

This dark lust, not so often come into the surface. But when it does, it never fails make you wonder and again feeling small and unwanted. However, it's easy when you don't take it seriously, it's easy when you had somebody to make you feel the opposite way - it's indeed easy. But how somehow, we don't always come up to a smooth surface.

There are times when we have to be alone - when we have to be left alone. It's okay, I am okay.  
We all suffer from our own loneliness. It's just the feeling or the thought of us that sometimes burden us.

I'm just kind of, miss having the right company to whom I can tell whatever crosses my mind - only to listen and understand. To reply to what I was saying and be as excited - or maybe I'm just missing having a real conversation in life. The one which makes you feel and alive. And to that to feel wanted, even as the simplest to be the wanted to talk to. Some times, it doesn't make any sense, but how else we live in this world - the way of it is indeed makes no sense.

Or maybe, from all for what I could say is that - maybe I'm just asking too much out of life. Or I am indeed, all the time?

Wednesday, April 5, 2017


I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, since everybody got their own meaning and understanding on how to define love itself. But I can tell you what it is for me.